Brings to mind back when I was invited to go hunting in Del Rio after I moved back to North-East Texas. It's was a 10 hour drive from where I now live and I was already behind schedule as always. I had borrowed the wife's car for both speed and to save fuel (that was back when diesel was almost $5 a gal.) after a week long lecture on how I'd better not get even a scratch on it. I was making pretty good time as I sped through Lampasas around sunset, I topped a hill to find an old turkey tom standing in the middle of the road. Needless to say I had little time to stop and feathers flew everywhere! Hating to waste anything, I stopped and checked the old bird to find he was still in pretty good shape so I thought I'd surprise everyone in camp the next morning with alittle smoked turkey. I hastily threw the old tom in the trunk figuring he's be fine and I'd clean him when I got to camp and grabbed a beer out of the cooler to settle my nerves after the incident. I figured just a beer, no problem. All I could think was I hadn't been gone 5 hours and had already violated the wife's stipulations about her car. Again, off I flew with fresh food in the trunk and ice cold beverage in the front. I hadn't gone a mile (nor had a single sip of beer) when a bump in the road caused the entire beer to spill all over me! Frustrated and still shaken from my earlier collision I pulled over and retrieved another beer from my cooler in the trunk. I jumped back in the car and off I flew. I was cruising along at a higher rate of speed than I should have been when I passed one of our dedicated Texas Highway Patrolman who promptly cleared both bar ditches as he doubled back to pull me over. He asked the usual preliminary questions of "was there an emergency" and "did I know how fast I was going" to which I courteously replied, "No Sir" hoping he wouldn't notice the sweat beads building on the beer can that was still sitting in the console holder. Ther stern officer replied,"95". to which I gasped....I thought for sure I was only going 90! He then asked me how much I had had to drink to which I truthfully gave the universal answer, "Only one, Sir". The officer didn't give me time to finish before he stated that he could smell the beer before he even got to my opened window. He then asked me to step to the back of my wife's car. As I walked towards the trunk I was trying to add up the numerous charges I was facing over a suicidal turkey and pondered if I'd even make it to the deer camp at all. I thought, DWI....speeding more than 20 mph over the posted speed limit....open container....I wondered just how much this turkey dinner was going to cost me. Even more terrifying was having to call the wife to come bail me out for drinking and driving in her car! I then began considering that given my options, I'd opt for life without ever having to return home and the impending tongue lashing I'd have waiting. As the officer began running my credentials through his dispatcher, a thunderous bumping began to occur in the trunk of my wife's car. Thinking it was the delayed dying quivers of my suicidal turkey, I opened the trunk and grabbed the old bird to ring his neck and him off. The officer must have thought I was going for a gun, freeing a kidnap victom, or something drastic as he abruptly drew his service pistol and nervously yelled for me to 'HALT" and to "Put my hand in the air". As my life flashed before my eyes it dawned on me just how stupid my actions were as I abruptly complied to the officer's request. That was when he noticed the still very much alive turkey dangling from my hands. The still shaken officer then asked me what my intentions were with that turkey so I began to tell him my whole story of how my wife had threatened my life if I scratched her car. And how I had accidentally struck the old bird and hated to just waste it and thought I'd take him to the deer camp. He began to relax and holstered his weapon as I continued on about how I knew it was wrong to drink and drive but I figured just one beer to settle my nerves shouldn't impair my ability to drive. And how that beer had spilled in my lap before I had the first sip. The officer then began to crack a grin as I watched the beads of sweat roll down my face in the reflection of the officer's mirrored sunglasses. I finished my lengthy plea by telling him of my stopping to get the second beer and then passing him and getting stopped and of my panic to wonder how I was going to explain my way out of this whole mess and even worse to my wife. As I concluded my story I lowered the bird to waist level so I could finish off the old toms death throes when the officer abruptly and unexpectedly drew his pistol again and pointed it at me....this time with both hands! I froze as my life flashed before my eyes for the second time this evening. The officer asked me , "What are you fixing to do to that turkey". To which I replied" I was just going to finish him off, Sir". The officer then sternly stated that whatever I was fixing to do to that turkey he was going to do to me....I paused a minute, pondered my dilemma, and calmly replied,"Well, Sir, I was just fixing to kiss his ass and turn him loose!" I was alittle hungry and in the deer camp before midnight. remember.....2 wrongs won't make a right.....but 3 left's will!